A Big Decision... Ph.D.?

Throughout my college career I have had only a handful of women professors. Two of them, Dr. Zoe Engstrom and Dr. Candice Ybarra, had a profound impact on me. They both exhibited characteristics of leadership, strength, intelligence and compassion. Both of them encouraged me to be a better student and to develop my own thought. Although I have had male professors that had these qualities I feel that I connected with Dr. Engstrom and Dr. Ybarra more because they are women.

Dr. Engstrom helped ignite my desire to pursue a Master Degree. I applied to Cal State Northridge and Long Beach for a Masters in Consumer Affairs. Northridge accepted me and, unexpectedly, Long Beach denied me. I had also applied for my MBA at Chapman. This was an off-the-wall idea that my company’s CEO encouraged me to pursue that was a real long shot. I remember coming home from my family’s Canadian vacation when I got the acceptance letter in the mail. I was ecstatic and immediately felt it was the right decision to go to that school.

Dr. Ybarra is the most intelligent woman I know. She teaches the capstone courses in the Business department at Chapman. I would go to each class excited to soak up all of her knowledge and leave excited to share that knowledge with anyone who would listen. I can remember driving home from each class and calling Brian to tell him everything that I had learned. It was Dr. Ybarra that helped me discover my dream of being college professor.

I applied to Chapman for a Ph.D. in Educational Studies. This was not an Ed.D. program, but a true Ph.D. Within the program there are three sub-programs. I selected Cultural and Curricular Studies. This would allow me to teach almost any subject and specialize in curriculum and text book writing. I passed every step and made it through all of the interviews. There were over a hundred people applying and Chapman was only taking 18 (6 for each sub-program). I found out in April I was not accepted, and was waitlisted. It is obvious to say I was heartbroken. I wanted to have an impact on other female students just as Dr. Engstrom and Dr. Ybarra had on me. When I prayed about my decision to apply it felt right. I felt lost and confused after I didn’t make it in.

This week I received a call from the Director of the Ph.D. program. He said, “We are offering you a spot in the fall cohort for the Ph.D. in Educational Studies.” I was flustered and didn’t know what to say. Apparently one of the six people chosen for Cultural and Curricular Studies program dropped out, and I was first on the waitlist.

The director gave me until Friday to make a decision. It was such a strange feeling. I had come up with so many reasons why it was a good thing I did not get into the program that it almost felt wrong to now say yes. I thought and prayed about it, and Brian did too. At first Brian didn’t feel right about it. Many people I discussed my pending decision with made me feel that I would be hurting my family, hurting Savannah, and hurting myself in the process. I looked over the program’s details over and over again trying to feel something to help me make a solid decision. I wrote in my journal everything I felt. There were pros and cons, but ultimately I felt that I receive confirmation that this was the right move for me AND my family. Brian told me he had the same confirmation and he would fully support me.

Yesterday I called the Director and accepted their offer to join the program.
I will be on the part-time track for four years. The first three years are classes two nights a week from 4:20-7:20 with summers off. The final year will just be researching and writing my dissertation.

I think my sister-in-law said it best, “This was your plan. This is what you are supposed to do.” It was her phone conversation that helped me the most. Stephanie is an amazing person that I love and admire. She was in school completing her teaching credential with a small baby AND pregnant with another. I think of her children now and do not see anything but happiness. Her children were young enough that do not remember her going to classes, but instead have a strong, loving bond with their mother. She is my inspiration to be able to balance it all, put my family first and be the best mother I can be.

While some may feel that my decision is selfish I feel that I am doing the exact opposite. I am creating an opportunity for the future to successfully help provide for my family while only having to work part-time as a professor. This career is my dream, but it is also my dream to have more children and to be able to spend as much time as possible with them. The most important thing is that it feel right to me AND it feels right to Brian.

I am still getting negative feedback from people I share this exciting news with and I started to feel afraid to tell anyone else. This post was written to document my feelings about my decision and to gain the support of family and friends.